my relationship with my mom
I think growing up, my mom has always been this... figure in my life, so to speak. It's something that nearly all Asian children who are immigrants are familiar with: a tiger mom, seeking only perfection from their children.
I have never really seen my mom talk about hobbies, what makes her happy, or any of that sort. What she would talk about is how my grades are and which universities I'll be applying to. I suppose that was her hobby.
I think I always thought that all East Asian moms are like this - she's always yelling at somebody in the house, really. Frankly I don't need an alarm because her yelling at my younger brother at 7am is enough (haha). Contrary to my reality, I've found there are indeed mothers who aren't like my mom at all. For instance, my friend's mom is training to be a sommelier, has a passion for food, and loves fashion... at the age of 50! To you, reader, this might not come as a surprise, but to me it was reality-bending. How could it be that mothers exist that... well, have a life of their own outside of their children?
I visited Korea 2 years ago for the first time in a decade, and when I was talking with my aunt (my mom's younger sister). I was shocked - they are only a few years apart, and yet they are complete opposites. My aunt is a lovely, caring person. She has hobbies, things she aspires to, and is a wonderful human to have a conversation with. She shared (very funny) stories about growing up with my mom, and she'd tell me how she's changed throughout the years. These are conversations that I frankly had never had with my mom, because she's never really open about these kinds of topics.
I wonder if the way I grew up profoundly impacted how I perceive the role of a mother. My mom was the type to throw herself away in a sense for the betterment of her children, but at great, great cost. I'm not entirely sure what motivates her to do what she does, honestly, and I know little about her life before my dad and certainly before me. But these experiences definitely shaped how I view my mom and perhaps moms as a whole - I had grown up thinking all moms were like this.
I hope that my experiences with my mom do not constitute how I'd like to raise my kids. I want to nurture them in an environment where they're wanting to try new things and grow into wonderful human beings, not the strict, always-yelling-at-their-kids-for-no-reason parent. She always seemed to never really be happy with where she is (or us for that matter), and when something good happened, it always followed up with "but I don't have X", or "we could have done Y better".
I love and care for my mom, but I cannot honestly say that she's a role model figure in my life. Her parenting ways have trickled into adulthood in the form of childhood trauma, and even things like a Kdrama where the couple is fighting is enough for me to curl up into a ball and get scared. Something that I'm still working on today.
Parenting is scary, and I don't think I'm ready for it at all just yet. But if and when that time comes, I hope that I can raise my children to be independent, loving, and caring human beings. Now that is something to aspire to.